Thursday, December 4, 2008
I am so happy to let everyone know that we are taking our classes for our adoption process. The class started on Mon. Dec. 1st and will run for 12 weeks till Feb. 16th. After that we will be eligible for a child to be placed in our home! We are still hoping for a girl somewhre in the age range of 8-13 or so years old. We will have a ome study done during this time also. WE are excited about this process. I will keep yuou posted as things progress. Right now I also have to take care of me!
Oh my Goodness...........I guess yesterday being down was leading up to last nights total breakdown. I meant total breakdown. I was in tears and crying so hard. I thought I was havinga nervous breakdown. I guess it was a major panic attack. I was getting ready for bed and I was journaling about how I felt about myself and it was not good. I finished and just fell apart. I felt totally out of control and just lost it completly. When Allan came to bed he said in the dark, are yo ok and Isaid no. I thine started balling once again. It was so intense and I did not know if I wanted him to help me or to leave me alone. I got upset with him and told him he just did not understand. I did not know what to do I was out of control and I didn not know how to control my eating. My birth daughter and my birth Mom have rejected me and want nothing to do with me. WHY????? Oh it was awful. I left my bedroom and was on the living room floor in pain and crying uncontrollably. Allan came in and held me and told me I was going to be ok. He said he did not know what to do. Then Jennifer came out of her room to tis and she held me also and they both told e they loved me. When I calmed dowm and we all talked I was better. We went to bed and I could feel my body destressing itself and I fell asleep. I am now awake at 3:00 am and restless! So I thought ok go journal tis whole thing. I hope I can eventually go back to sleep. I have to rest to get better. I will see my DR next week and tell her abut this episode. I am praying and asking God for His love and for his unending help. I am so badly addicted to food and I now feel like I see the reason.....adoption and rejection issues. So the Lord is going to take me from here. Thanks you Lord!!!!!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Oh my what a day today has been. I was doing great today I got my hair colored, highlighted and trimmed and it was so fun. It looks great. Then all afternoon off and on I have been in tears. It is so crazy how your brain can do that. It has boggled my mind for many years now. I am on meds for the depression and then some days just go haywire. Oh well such is life. It can be so frustrating though. Have had all kinds of crazy things going through my thoughts today. The loss of control is hard on me but I just keep pushing. I sit down and cry and deal with whatever set the tears in motion. I am thankful to God that I have the meds he has had the DR give me to keep me stable. I know in times when things are stressed and overwheling my brain just squeezes out and takes are at least trys to take control. I fight it and ussually win. I give in to every so often cause a good cry is just what I need sometimes! Thanks for listening! I enter here as a journal sometimes like this to eleviate some of the stress. Andrew is doing well and writing us lots of letters! He will be home in about 2 weeks on Dec. 20th!! Countdown just 16 days!! YEA!!! My Christmas shopping is ALL done!!! It helps for me to put down the happy things to get me back up! I have my Christmas card nearly done and ready to send! We got our first Christmas card today! Have a great night!! Bye!