Thursday, December 4, 2008

A Total Breakdown!

Oh my Goodness...........I guess yesterday being down was leading up to last nights total breakdown. I meant total breakdown. I was in tears and crying so hard. I thought I was havinga nervous breakdown. I guess it was a major panic attack. I was getting ready for bed and I was journaling about how I felt about myself and it was not good. I finished and just fell apart. I felt totally out of control and just lost it completly. When Allan came to bed he said in the dark, are yo ok and Isaid no. I thine started balling once again. It was so intense and I did not know if I wanted him to help me or to leave me alone. I got upset with him and told him he just did not understand. I did not know what to do I was out of control and I didn not know how to control my eating. My birth daughter and my birth Mom have rejected me and want nothing to do with me. WHY????? Oh it was awful. I left my bedroom and was on the living room floor in pain and crying uncontrollably. Allan came in and held me and told me I was going to be ok. He said he did not know what to do. Then Jennifer came out of her room to tis and she held me also and they both told e they loved me. When I calmed dowm and we all talked I was better. We went to bed and I could feel my body destressing itself and I fell asleep. I am now awake at 3:00 am and restless! So I thought ok go journal tis whole thing. I hope I can eventually go back to sleep. I have to rest to get better. I will see my DR next week and tell her abut this episode. I am praying and asking God for His love and for his unending help. I am so badly addicted to food and I now feel like I see the reason.....adoption and rejection issues. So the Lord is going to take me from here. Thanks you Lord!!!!!

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